I mentioned, as succinctly as possible, in the last post that there was a time in my life that when I became very introspective. I was very depressed, bored with school, and disillusioned with life in general. As a young teenager, I always looked forward to when I turned 16. I thought that having greater social freedoms would make my life better, but I found that everything I did was empty, and did not give me the purpose I sought.
The first catalyst towards a change in my life was music. Up to this point, I listened to such uplifting bands as Nine Inch Nails, Stabbing Westward and Marilyn Manson. The music I listened to reflected my disillusionment, anger and depression.
I worked at a local ice cream shop, and we were not required to listen to the canned 50s muzak that was played outside, and played our own music. My favorite nights soon became when Brent managed the shifts. Brent was an older, soft-spoken guy. He was not exactly what most would call successful, but he seemed happy and content with his life. He played albums I’d never heard before by bands like The Get Up Kids, Sunny Day Real Estate, The Promise Ring and Pedro the Lion.
I’d been used to listening to music with harsh electronic tones, and angry jaded lyrics. These bands were different. They weren’t sentimental or poppy like the music on the local Top 40 station. The songs were emotive and heartfelt. There was anger, but there was also happiness. There were crescendos and synthy moogs. Most of all, there seemed to be a longing for… something. Something I’d given up hope on finding.
Brent was a Christian. Some of the bands he listened to were Christian. I was pretty hostile toward Christians and Christianity. I’d openly discussed my dislike of church, Jesus, God, and what-have-you with Brent. He was very polite and didn’t ever really broach the subject. He gave me disclaimers that bands were Christian when I asked to borrow CDs. Brent was pretty much the exact opposite of all the conceptions I had of Christians.
When my lifelong best friend started going to church, it got me thinking. I thought about all the ‘conceptions’ I had of Christianity, and couldn’t think of one example of when a Christian had acted smugly around me, or told me I was going to hell. I thought about how I had the conception that smoking pot would make me forget my troubles and how it made me dwell in my depression, anxiety, and the laziness that caused it instead instead. I thought of all of this, and heard songs like “The Longer I Lay Here” with the lyrics:
you’re up with the sunrise
and down when the work’s been done
with excellence industry
diligence naturally
i would like to be you
just for a few habit-forming years
laziness cuts me like fine cutlery
i need a miracle – someone to help me
I realized that laziness was a big part of my problem. It was why I was doing poorly in school, and why I never dealt with my problems. I thought I had all the solutions, but everything I tried only made my life worse. I was tired of all the strategies I came up with to make myself happy. I would have to look outside of myself.
So, I made up my mind; I asked my best friend Jamal if he would take me to church.
And I’ve been in church ever since. I was privileged with the opportunity to preform the song above for my church last week. It’s funny how things change.
Note to Slef 